A Minor Drought – May 28, 2019 (sticky)

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img_2173However you found me, I’m glad you made the journey.

Hello to my several followers, most of whom seem to be in Eastern Europe. Whoe knew that my appeal would extend out so far, to be picked up by a selft few people. Well when I thought this site would grow organically, I was thinking a little more than this. However, that has never been my intention or my motivation, so I’m not disappointed or excited, I’m just making an observation about it.

I’ve nothing interesting to report, other than you may have noticed a dramatic slowdown in the last few months. I’ve not been terribly motivated to write. That either means my life is going very well, or I am so horribly depressed, I dont have the energy or interest. I’m not sure which yet. I’ll let you know if I figure it out.

At anyrate, I’ll be popping back in and posting more. I need a real gutrenching experience to get me going again. That sounds awful! Such is life.

Welcome again and thank you for taking the time to visit.

http://thesearemydarkestdays.com

 


As I’ve mentioned numerous times before, unless otherwise noted, everything here has been authored by me, and me alone. It belongs to me, and may not be used for any purpose without my permission. Now really, who would even do that right? I know, preaching to an empty room, but there it is.

Regards,

–b

Voices

No one knows me, but for a name
Everyone in my life, a variation they’ll see
Separate they are, though never to meet
This bitter life, littered with their debris

Voices, so many, inside of my head
Just one to command which life we shall live
I know not which, represents who I am
The remnants remain, nothing left I can give

Conjoined animas stitched jointly by a thread
To sever that bond holding souls intertwined
Then all divided, one by one, we shall fall
To each his own ruin, to which no one shall find

Unfortunate are those, caught in our way
Each visited by one, whenever we did exist
Bruised and broken, leaving the victims laid bare
Bodies turn cold before any sign of desist

No longer do I weep for the life that endured
Long forgotten the one, who dwelled in my head
Fractured I’ve become, this soul torn apart
Only freedom redeemed, for those having fled

————————————————————————

The voice that commands slowly fades to a hiss
No longer must we hide, remain quiet and concealed
Only this one vessel to share, so patiently we wait
Each our turn to destroy any hope of appeal

Now left with no master, restless we’ve become
Soon discord and chaos are sure to begin
Thinking any would leave, I perish the thought
A new struggle befalls, my soul has worn thin

Now a cacophony of voices, ring loud in my ears
Mired in uncertainty, I’m unable to proceed
Confused on the safest of decisions to make
Where I once walked confident, now I wearily concede

With no one left in control, I start to decay
An endless procession pass before my dying eyes
All whom I’ve betrayed are here for the show
They bask and revel in the throes of my demise 

Unintelligible the voices roar loud in my head
Now the simplest of tasks made impossible for me
Paralyzed with fear, shame and regret
Please God silence this rout, if I shall ever be free

————————————————————————

Yet one cartridge for such a day, saved long ago
Always knowing its fate would someday ring true
Soon chambered and ready, her time has arrived
Just a spark to encourage, the pain to subdue

Three pounds of pressure, naught more than a breeze
So much can be unmade, so little force used
It’s a necessity at this point, no other options exist
How many untold, to be spared such abuse

In just that moment, what was needed is now done
A crimson pool forms, where once there was none
The final voice had commanded an end to all this
From so many voices, silenced here by this one

The Kiss

Kiss me kiss me kiss me
Your tongue is like poison
So swollen it fills up my mouth
Love me love me love me
You nail me to the floor
And push my guts all inside out

Get it out get it out get it out
Get your fucking voice
Out of my head

I never wanted this
I never wanted any of this
I wish you were dead
I wish you were dead

I never wanted any of this
I wish you were dead

–Robert Smith, The Cure

This Sickening Feeling


I’ve been here before
I know it though
Recognizing the signs
Seeing the accident
Around the corner
Victims lay strewn about
Awkwardly broken bodies
Lying amidst the wreckage
Never knowing their end

I look around me
Innocent faces
Engaged in conversation
Laughing and joking
If they knew their fate
Soon they will be gone
The ground stained red
I always remember
As only I walk away
A few bruises is all
Souvenirs to remind
Fading slowly
Only to be replaced
Again and again
This nightmare continues
Though I see it now
Yet still so naïve

Hoping it will stop
Powerless to make it
A torment to endure
Punished to watch
This sickening feeling
It’s always inside
Never to silence
Screaming in my head
Their souls haunt
More will fall
I do nothing to save

A liar I am
A wolf in disguise
Instinctual behavior
Takes over my actions
Blood on my hands
The stains never wash
Yet only I shall pay
For peace to return
Only then will this stop
Endless suffering I make
The destroyer I am
The loudest voice
Inside of my head
To be silenced forever

A battle will rage
Only within me
They gather together
Take down the oppressor
Distracted he becomes
One mistake made
A brutal attack
No mercy at all
They tear him part
Yet fragmented they remain
The abyss looming near
Over the edge they do fall
Though free I’ve became

Around me I see
People engaged in discussion
Not knowing their fate
Though their outcome reshaped
People wander confused
Amidst all of the wreckage
Shocked yet unscathed
A few minor scratches
Just a few small bruises
Thus it shall fade
Yet the ground stained red
Only one twisted body
Lay impossibly broken

The survivors wander
Soon quiet takes over
A deafening silence
A tragic scene
Yet amidst the debris
The blood red stain
No sign of it exists
Still a single rose blooms
A memory of but one
Whose reign is now over
Too little for amends
No soul shall mourn
The petals soon to fall
And then all is purged
Effaced from all minds
As if never he was

The Rose 🌹 (1a/n)


Darkness always, not a sliver of light
A sullen world I dwell, devoid of splendor
Sight, for a moment, my only true wish
For now, endless night, I thus surrender

Since birth, I only know this world at night
My other senses augmented, fulfilling the need
Futile lamenting that which has not existed
Yet never to know, what I had to concede

One day though, this rose is given to me
From a friend I’ve had, since a long time ago
A simple vase, some water, I set it aside
Not knowing the seeds this flower would sew

Every day I would stop, to enjoy the aroma
The velvet petals I touch, so gentle they are
The thorns, like daggers, protecting her beauty
Magnificence in my midst, yet so dreadfully far

She continued to bloom, as the days went by
I would stop to enjoy her, whenever I passed
My mind often wandering back to this flower
Hoping that all these moments together would last

I would sit with her, and let my senses take over
Then as I am enjoying the marvel in her
Darkness lifting, a shape in front of me forms
Slowly something begins to emerge from this blur

Sight, I cannot describe, never having this sense
Colors, these must be, are being presented to me
This rose that was gifted, just several days before
She is the most beautiful thing, that I ever shall see

Days, then weeks, thus pass me by
So many sights, I am now learning about
A new world to discover, as my lens ever clears
Never can I imagine, this gift, I had been without

Now my days are bright, as never I’ve known
Though my mind still always returns to the flower
The figure before me, forming out of the dark
I shall never experience a finer hour

Her beauty magnificent, I was beguiled
My darkest days, finally, had come to a close
As I live, the vision forever etched in my mind
Nothing ever more beautiful than her, my rose

One (1/n)

Seeking an eternity, never shall I find
Living a life of a thousand stories
All of them end, while I wander alone
A thousand ones fail, never to glory

So many faces, I pass every day
So many more stories, I know I could write
To retreat forlorned, the safest of paths
Myself forsaken to ponder my plight

Accepting of fate, life passing me by
But a brush past my shoulder, creating a stir
She continues on past, as if I wasn’t there
My thoughts and focus, now starting to blur

—————————————————————

I turned to follow, maybe she followed me?
Electricity is arcing, as each other, we pursue
Chasing or chased, too blurry to see
Though once we connect, our fate comes into view

Vision beginning to focus, my mind accepting
A bond is thus forming, its a powerful weld
We intertwine and join, our collective being
Souls together at last, as if always they dwelled

Something profound indeed, has happened to me
Anxiety and turmoil, do cease to exist
My lens to the world clears as never before
Two became one, the moment we kissed

—————————————————————

A spiral of colors erupting into the sky
A plume in the stars begins to take form
The pillar grows further, many light years away
A cosmic display, of this life giving storm

The clouds begin to collapse, falling into itself
A bright light illuminates, deep from within
Fusion commencing, we glow a hot blue
Our souls finish merging, the faster we spin

We emanate from this cloud, high up in the sky
A brilliant new star, a beacon in the night
We are but one, as we shine on this world
Always together, forever alight

Search (3/n)


I’m searching for you, it’s every day
But seeing no hope, no hint of a sign
Longing to see, those beguiling eyes
Always to dream, when you were all mine

Ships one by one, they sail into port
I scan each person, I learn every face
Looking for who had slipped out of my hands
The girl that which memory cannot efface

Eyes that had conquered, my very soul
An eternity it seemed, many seasons ago
It’s a painful reminder, this void in my heart
Is my existence from here, all I shall ever know

I recoil from the crowd, withdrawing again
Just like I had, a thousand times before
Compelled to do this, I must always come back
To search for the one, whom I do adore

Shadows this eve, are now growing long
As the light of this day, begins its retreat
Another day faded, its coda performed
An opus of failure, a bitter defeat

Nothing until now, has ever changed
As nothing at all, from here ever will
My mind quiets down, and then it does slow
And every thing alive, at night becomes still

———————————————————————————————-

Slowly, I am eased out of my slumber
Its the song that is sung by a wren or a jay
I sit up to ponder, another day’s task
Barely, if able, to face a new day

My mind is a tangled and fragmented mess
Though visions of you, are completely intact
But as time now today, ticks timidly past
The dreams start to fade, they slowly retract

I’m left here again, with the same daily job
Doing this I shall, until my dying day
Now more complacent, to the very fact
My hope deep infested with rot and decay

Still every day, is yet another chance
I start out again, with a sliver of hope
At the end of the day, I eventually find
I’m at the far end of my shortening rope

But today I am feeling, it must be the day
She will finally come back, returning to me
So languishing still, I thus find my way
Back to the shore, to the edge of the sea

I look out again, as far as I can see
Amidst all the squalor, that is on the shore
The sign of a mast, I am looking to see
Though it is a sign I have grown to abhor

At last I do see it, the familiar sight
A ship in the distance, does come into view
I find a quiet place, to watch it arrive
Then I settle down, the boats beginning to queue

Thus the waiting game starts, it lasts the whole day
It’s that very thing, which keeps me alive
My faith that was endless, it falters again
It can barely exist, or even fight to survive

As travelers disembark, I process every face
Relentlessly searching them all for her eyes
They are nowhere to find, not at all in this place
Once again as before, a small part of me dies

Stepping back from the crowd, again I retreat
The way I go today, is the way I have done
Too many nights, to go through all this
Returning to home, its a thousand and one

The further I go, the shadows grow long
And in just a moment, the daylight is gone
Nothing else left, remains of this day
The cold night taking command, until dawn

Nothing until now, has ever changed
As nothing at all, from here ever will
My mind it shuts down, and then all is black
My heart it thus slows, and then becomes still

I quietly lay, to draw my last breath
As peace at long last, is with me today
With cicadas playing a fugue, long into the night
My life ever fleeting, thus fading away

———————————————————————————————-

The sun shines this morn, dispatching the fog
Soon to follow behind, a sky cloudless and blue
In a thicket of trees, a wren sings with joy
Then joined by another, as if somehow they knew

The girl whose eyes, enchanted a soul
Has searched for her love, since so long ago
She is scanning the crowd, recording each face
Hoping to find, the love she let go

As all eyes redirect, the people disperse
It’s apparent again, that he is not there
She lets out a sigh, this unavailing task
Then turns to the ship, and breaks off her stare

This is something that she is compelled to do
Many times she has, its a thousand or more
She endeavors to persist, despondent this task
Back again to set sail, for some long distant shore

Deep Green Sea

The wind blowing cold, across frozen earth
Slate grey sky seemingly for days on end
A frost covering every surface within my site
No escape at all, such that I could transcend

An endless winter it is, no chance for spring
My hope freezing over, my soul is on ice
A thaw beyond concept, far away from my thoughts
Yet what brings me here, is worth any price

The bustle of the cafe, alien words bespoken
A quiet spot in the back, an open table I seek
Only coffee for me, paper and charcoal in hand
Equipment enough for the upcoming week

I shuffle through parchment, to find a clean sheet
My pallet of charcoals extensive and new
The green of her eyes challenged all sets before
So complex their chroma, value, and hue

I could lose days getting the color just right
The green shown of grasses and mosses at times
The kind in the forest after long summer rains
When the dew clings to leaves of lianas and vines

Every day she comes in, I’m always transfixed
Impossible to channel all of the visions in me
To describe her in words, such an arduous task
This elegant baroness, with her glass of chablis

She glides to her table, it’s always the same
Just away from the crowd, as if giving her space
Her dress is impeccable, every detail refined
Made of the finest silk, velvet, tulle, and lace

She adjusts her view and catches my stare
For a moment I’m trapped in the expanse of her gaze
In my efforts to capture the splendor of her
I’ll have wasted much charcoal and numerous days

For weeks I’ve been here, every bitter cold day
Though when first I saw her, a fortnight ago
I knew she would impact my life in some way
So I set out to capture, the gem of this borough

She knows I exist, or she lets me think that she does
How could she not? My table littered with tries
By now I think she humors me to see me complete
To see if I can capture the spell in those eyes

But every day is a gift when she comes into view
I see her straight umber hair parted perfectly center
Her rouged lips do accentuate this porcelain doll
Her presence I feel right away for when she does enter

The garment is tailored to meticulous detail
Her bias gown perfectly adorning her shape
Floating angelically, as the crowd parts her way
Her path leading to me, I am loathe to escape

If my table looked inviting, I don’t know for whom
A mass of papers and charcoals have littered my space
Unfazed she sits down, across from my work
Which suggest an obsession for drawing her face

She whispers her name, inquiring then of mine
As we chat I’m drawn into those emerald eyes
I learn she’d watched me for weeks, compelling each return
Wanting to see my vision, which I would daily agonize

For hours we would talk, and I’d share with her my work
All the attempts to capture, that which I see within her
Now so close, I see beauty, that which I never could draw
With elegance and grace, she is so sweet and demure

All this time, I thought I was the only observer
Yet she came in here as well, with an interest in me
To beguile or be beguiled, we both played this game
Still I’m hopelessly adrift in her deep green sea

The wind blowing warmer now, as frost gives way to life
What was endless has ended, and the sun shines anew
Slate grey which had reigned, are now skies of azure
A different perception of this world has come into my view

My sketch book thus retired, my drawings are no more
The essence of beauty I wished to capture, at this cafe
More beautiful than any designer, fabric, or style
Nor a high fashion model on a Parisian runway

What began with two strangers from far away places
A conversation acquainted us, a connection was cast
Souls from worlds apart would not otherwise unite
One never to be known, had this cafe I did pass

So today is a day, I never once saw arriving
We walk hand in hand through the gardens of rose
Her green eyes now always fixated on mine
Our season moves past the thaw of the long winter snow